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As I write this, I am feeling really bad about myself. I feel like there is no hope for anyone to care for let alone fall in love with me.

I try my hardest to stay positive, to actually believe that the universe will bring my soul mate into my life. I do work to better myself – mentally & physically, but I don’t see any results.

I feel stuck.

I feel alone.

My heart aches.

I am in despair.

My date with Brian

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Well, I had my date with Brian last night. I thought it went well, but I didn’t feel a spark with him. I think there is a possibility of friendship, but that would probably be about it.

It began when we met at my local Corner Bakery Café. He saw me standing by the front door, approached me, said hello, and that was it. No handshake, no hug, no nothing!

Once inside, I asked him if he’d ever been to this place. He said he hadn’t, but he’s been to someplace similar. I went up to the cashier, placed my order, then turned around to see if he was ready to place his. Brian was still looking up at the menu board, with his hands in his pockets. “You ready?” I asked.

“No, I’m still deciding. You get yours and I’ll meet you over there (pointing to the tables outside),” he says.

We went Dutch for dinner. Guess I shouldn’t have assumed he’d pay for dinner.  Normally, that’s what a gentleman does. But, you know when you “assume”…it makes an ass out of you and me!

We decided to sit outside since the weather was nice. We talked quite a bit, and he seemed very interested in what I do for a living. We talked about our families, our backgrounds, etc. He’s very close with his adult daughters. Almost to the point where he can’t stand being away from them. He told me a number of times that his family is number one in his life.

The other thing I noticed was how he seemed a little depressed. He would smile if I said something funny, then immediately wipe his forehead and be back to his somber self. He kept putting himself down, saying that his family wasn’t very educated, which meant that he wasn’t very smart, he had fallen into the wrong crowd growing up, and that his now deceased wife was the one who “straightened” him out.

I tried to switch up the conversation. I wanted to make it light, fun, and not so serious all the time. I even made him laugh a few times. But not once did he make me laugh. For me, laughter is the ultimate attraction. I can overlook certain qualities if a man’s sense of humor is the main attraction. I sensed that Brian doesn’t have much of a playful side. If he does, I didn’t see it! He kept asking me about my job, wanting to know if I’ve met any celebrities and what are they like. I said I have, but I don’t like to talk about them. I know it’s interesting to people who aren’t in the business that I am, but until I know and trust you, I’m just not going to go there.

Other than Brian NOT making me laugh, he never gave me a sign that he was interested in me. There was NO touching or body language to show me that he was even remotely interested.

At one point, I needed to use the ladies room. When I came back, I asked if he wanted to walk around. “Sure,” he says. We stopped into a frozen yogurt shop and tasted a bunch of the flavors. I joked around and told him that the mint one tasted like my toothpaste!   He laughed but didn’t come back with anything. I decided to get some toothpaste flavored (mint) fro-yo, and went to the register. He followed right after me. Again, he didn’t even offer to pay. I paid for my own.

We walked back to where the outdoor tables and chairs were, ate our frozen yogurt and talked some more. I started to get cold and figured this was a good way to end our date. Brian said that he really enjoyed meeting me, and then we walked together to the parking structure. Once there, we realized our cars were parked at opposite ends. I told him thanks for coming out to my neighborhood, and he said, “Yeah, it was really fun.” With his hands in his pockets, he turned and walked away.

No hug, no handshake, no nothing! He almost looked like he couldn’t get out of there fast enough. I’ve replayed last night in my head, and I really couldn’t tell if he was remotely attracted to me. But that’s ok, even though he was average looking, I wasn’t physically attracted to him. Sometimes, it’s ok to just be friends.

Time will tell if I ever hear from him again.

Hi ho, hi ho, it’s back to Match.com I go.

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I did it, yes I did. I signed back up. They got me for 6 months. That’s it. It’s all I can do (or stomach). Just shy of hanging out at Home Depot, I don’t know where else to meet guys. So, once again I’m suckered into online shopping for my soulmate.

I’ve been on the site for about 2 months now and I have my first date tomorrow. I have been talking to Brian for about 10 days. He seems very, very sweet. He’s a widower, and has raised his daughters alone since his wife passed away almost 18 years ago.

If I were to write down on a sheet of paper the pros and cons to this guy, I’d have to say there is only one con. I’m a little concerned he might be too “easy going” for me. I have yet to fell if he gets excited about anything. We have spoken on the phone a few times, and he sounds kind of monotone. I don’t want to jump the gun. I’m not going to pass on him just because of that.

He is driving all the way out my neighborhood to take me out to dinner. I’m so impressed by his manners, and the fact that he LISTENS to me when we speak on the phone. I’m actually quite excited to meet him. Here’s hoping for some kind of spark!

Wish me luck…

Relationship Detox

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It’s been a little over a week, and I’m hurting.  My emotional detox has been hard. These feelings I have for him are really like a drug. I would feel so happy when I heard from him, and miserable when I didn’t.  He totally messed with my head. F-that!  I LET him mess with my head.

I still think of this guy when I get up, and before I go to bed. I am trying very, very hard to keep myself busy, and the good thing is…I haven’t reached out to him.  It’s hard trying to neutralize my feelings, to separate and detach. I know it must be done if I want the RIGHT relationship in my life.

I know that this hole in my heart can’t be filled by anyone but me. I have to love myself more than I love anyone else. Even him.  The time to start loving myself again is NOW!

Too Strong of a Woman?

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I have come to realize that I have a really thick skull. Or, maybe it’s short term or even long term memory loss. Either way, it seems like it takes me a while for certain lessons to be learned. My light bulb over my head flickers, but eventually it’s turned on all the way. It just might take a day, a month or a year for it to happen.

Case in point. The other day when I was at work, I asked my co-worker, “Why does it seem like everyone comes to me with stuff when it’s not my job to handle it? They need to go to their appropriate supervisor.”

My co-worker said, “I think it’s because you are a strong woman.”

I responded to that with, “ You know, I’ve been told by a couple of guys that the reason I’m NOT in a relationship is because I’m “too strong of a woman”.

The next day I was going through the whole conversation in my head, when I realized why I reacted the way I did. I was embarrassed. I was upset because I equate strength with masculinity. And… I am not a man. There’s a part of me that has accepted the agreement that I’m “too strong of a woman” and that’s what is stopping me from being in a relationship.

I’m not a diminutive or dainty female. I’m tall, and of Eastern European heritage.

I’m not that kind of girl who flips her hair, bats her eyelashes, and shows her ass in order to catch a man. I’ve tried doing that, but it’s not who I am. I admit, I admire the women who can do that. They have the skills that I don’t. I guess I’ve always thought that a man will be attracted to my personality, charm, sense of humor and then my looks.

I consider myself 100% girly-girl. Ok, maybe 80 % girly-girl and 20% tomboy. It’s who I am, and I know I need to get to the place where I’m ok with who I am. This is how God made me. I shouldn’t be embarrassed for being strong.

So, my mantra for today, and until I get it through my thick skull is…”You are beautiful, sensitive, charismatic, intelligent, funny, and loving. And if a man can’t appreciate all those sides of you, then he doesn’t deserve you.”

You can’t keep what isn’t yours.

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It had to end this way. I don’t think there’s any other way it could happen. Deep down, I expected this from the start. When this started, we could have just jumped to the end and skipped everything in the middle. Yes, he broke my heart. There’s no way around it. I pushed him, and needed him to be mean to me, in order for me to stop communicating with him.

He was always so nice with me. He’d tell me over and over how much he missed me. He wished I was “there” or he was “here.” He once told me that I need someone who can truly be there for me. He said, “I’m just not that guy…but I wish I was.”

He would tell me how much he wanted to see me in person, but would never come see me.

He would tell me how much he cared about me. Then six days ago he called me on the phone. We only talked for 10 minutes. He told me a story that I had been wanting to hear. We talked about work stuff. At the end of the conversation, I told him, “I miss you.” In his sweet voice he said, “I miss you too baby.”

We continued to email each other that night. I told him that I needed to see him, I wanted him to come over to my place so we could be with each other. He said, “Can’t happen. But it’s really FUN to think about.”

I emailed him back and told him I felt like a fool, just for asking. Through all of our email exchanges, I thought THIS time he would come over. He was telling me how much he wanted to make love, to hold me, and to be near me. Then BOOM! He takes it all back.

The last time I heard from him, he emailed me and said, “You worry about stuff too much. Please don’t feel foolish. I wish my circumstances were different, but they’re not. I desire you very, very much. I’m just trying to keep us both out of trouble. It doesn’t mean I don’t appreciate the hell out of you. You and I are ALWAYS on good terms. It just sucks that I’m married.”

 

Jerry (Final)

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So, as I said before, Jerry wanted to take me out for my birthday. I was so excited because I hadn’t had a “real” birthday date in a very long time. Even when I was married, my husband didn’t celebrate my birthday. I usually sat at home, doing nothing, which in turn caused me to dread my birthday every year.

The day arrives and Jerry texts me to say that I am “all his” after he gets off work at 4:30pm. He asks me what time I’m going to be ready. I say, “Anytime after 6:30.” I proceed to get all cleaned up and am patiently sitting on my couch, waiting for him to show up at 6:30. 7:00 rolls around and I haven’t heard a peep. I text him and ask where he’s at. He says, “I’m still at home. I have a few things to wrap up with the kids, then I will be there.” Ok, I take partial responsibility for this miscommunication. I should have been clearer and said something like, “Be here AT 6:30.”

It’s now 8:00, and still no sign of Jerry. I call him this time.

“Where are you?” I say.

Jerry says, “I had to pick up something before I get there.”

By now, I’m upset. He rolls up to my place at 8:30. Eight-freaking-thirty! I was expecting to spend a decent evening with him. He calls me to say he’s out front, and I need to go out there. I agree, even though I’m still a little ticked off. He gets out of his truck and gives me two roses, each in their own vase. He then tells me I need to take them up to my place because I can’t leave them in the car. It’s too hot in there.

“Is this your way of coming inside my home?” I ask.

“No. but if you don’t want me to, I understand.” Jerry says.

“Ok. I guess it’s alright.” I say.

We head upstairs and I yell for my daughter, just to make sure she’s not running around scantily clad. She comes out of her room, and I introduce them. This is the first time EVER that any man I’ve dated has met one of my kids. It felt really awkward because I’m not very serious about him.

We then head out to our festivities. He says he’s going to take me to the Spaghetti Factory, then go to the beach for a stroll. NICE! We are about 5 minutes from my place when he sees a BBQ restaurant that he’s always wanted to try.

“Do you mind if we go there?” he asks.

“Ummmm…I suppose it’s ok.” I said.

We pull in, and wouldn’t you know, they are almost all out of BBQ because it is so close to them closing! We were lucky enough to get a little, then we drove to a local city park, and sat in the back of his truck and had a “picnic.”

This wasn’t exactly the birthday festivity I had in mind, but I was willing to “go with the flow.”

We sat in the back of his truck, listening to music, talking, getting to know each other…kissing. When it was time to leave, he tried starting his truck, but the battery was dead. Hmmmmmm! So he called AAA, and they came out and gave him a jump start.

We got the car started, and he took me home. He came upstairs to my place, and my daughter met us in the living room. We all sat there talking, and it felt a little weird. After she went back to her room, Jerry and I went to my bedroom where we could have some privacy. We talked and made out. It was uncomfortable because my daughter was in the next room, but I was willing to give it an honest shot. Unfortunately, he wasn’t a very good kisser, and that was disappointing. After a few hours, he went on his merry way.

 

Since I hung out with Jerry for my birthday, to the time this saga ended (Dec. 2014), Jerry and I never went out on a date. He continually texted me and sometimes even called me. He would always say that we were gonna go out, but never did. He said he was always busy with his kids, and that was his priority.

The last time I heard from him was in November 2014. I had gone to Washington DC for work. The first day I was there, I was being a complete tourist. I was enjoying my time alone, seeing all the sights, and really having a great time. Much to my surprise, I randomly get a text from Jerry saying, “Hi there. How are you? Are you working on any projects this week?” “Well, hello there! I am actually in Washington DC working.” I say. “Wow! You are so lucky to do what you do. Let me know when you get home, because I’d really like to see you, and catch up with you.” he says. “That would be great. I get home on Nov. 12, so any time after that would be good.” I say. Jerry says, “Awesome. I look forward to seeing you. Have a great time, and stay sweet.”

On the evening of Nov. 12, I texted Jerry to say I was home, and let me know what time works into his schedule. I never got a return text. Weeks went by, and I still never heard from him.

A month later, I was in Las Vegas working, and staying in the nicest hotel room I’ve ever been in. I decided to text him one last time. I said, “Hi Jerry. Hope you are well. I’m sitting here in this gorgeous hotel room in Vegas, wondering why you’ve disappeared. I hope you find what you are looking for, both personally and professionally.”

After I hit the “send” button, I deleted all his contact information from my phone. I didn’t want any reminder of him, nor did I want to be tempted to contact him. When I look back on it, he was truly a waste of my time, and I should have cut the cord the first time he went A.W.O.L. Of course, I’m most disappointed in myself for LETTING him treat me the way he did, and for letting it drag on for as long as it did.