I regress.

I don’t know what to say other than “I’m human.”  Is that a good enough answer?  Probably not.  Am I letting myself down?  Absolutely.  “What is she talking about?” you ask yourself.  I’m talking about the married man (MM) that I’ve been dealing with the last 4 years or so.

I’ve never wanted anything nor expected anything from the MM.  I don’t want him to leave his wife, in fact that’s one rule when we talk, text, or have met up…not to talk about his wife.  Plain and simple…unless he is hurting about something, I don’t want to know.  I think this is one of the reasons that he feels so safe with me.  Plus, I can keep a secret.

There was a lot of stuff going on in my life since my last post of substance in April.  I had declared back then that I was THROUGH with the MM.  But like any person who has an addiction, I became really weak and gave into my temptations with the MM this past July.  I saw him a lot.  His wife was out of town for a few weeks, and we went at it.  I’m not gonna lie, it was amazing. After it was all said and done, I had to pull away.  I purposely withdrew any contact with him because during that time with him I found myself getting too close.  His freedom made him easier accessible, he’d pick up the phone or he’d call me. And I liked it.  But I knew I couldn’t have it.

This isn’t just a sexual thing between us. We are friends.  We talk & text about work, and other things in our lives, but we do have this amazing sexual chemistry between us.  On the last night we spent together, as we were saying goodbye, we both had tears in our eyes.  He has repeatedly told me how much he wants the very best for me.  And I’ve told him that I can’t wait for that moment when I call him to tell him I’ve met someone and I’m in love.  He knows I want that more than ever!

I run the gamut of emotions every time I go through this cycle.  Self loathing, anger, resentment, disappointment, selfishness, depression, sadness.  You name it…I’ve been there.  As a reader, you may be disgusted with my morals, and dishonesty.  I can’t say I’d blame you.  I take full responsibility for my actions, and the one person I’ve let down the most is me.  I know that I need to step up.  If I want respect, and the right man to be in my life, then I need to live that life of self-respect to welcome him in.  Please tell me something I don’t know.

 

My heart hurts tonight…

I am feeling really ugly right now.

I hadn’t heard from John for about 2 weeks, so this morning I decided to text him.  I asked him how he was doing, it was a beautiful day out, and wondered if he was back in town and if he’d like to get together. Well, I heard from John about a half an hour ago.  This is what he said,

“Doing good.  It was a lovely day and I would be so down for all of that but believe it or not, I met someone and I think it deserves the honest shot.”

As I type this, tears are streaming down my face.  I don’t know if John really met someone, I’m just so sad that I had to be told in a text message, that he basically told me to leave him alone.  Here was a guy who was so completely into me, yet when he didn’t get what he wanted, he ran.

I am SO tired of being rejected.  Rejection in my marriage, rejection from the dating websites, rejection, rejection, rejection.  I have been alone for close to 15 years, and I’m sad.

I put my life in the hands of the Lord.  I pray that HE will lead me to HE has meant for me. I pray for patience, and to become the best person I can be.  To love myself, and fill my heart with love, because I can only give away what I have inside. But, why is it taking so long.  Why????  I don’t understand.

I believe that I am worthy of Love, and a divine relationship.  I know that I have a beautiful heart, I am caring, intelligent, and funny…yet the only thing men want from me is sex.  They don’t want to get to know me as a friend, a person, a woman.  And that part hurts.

I’m confused.  I am trying not to let this get to me.  I have not responded nor WILL I respond to John’s text.  I also know that I will never go into that Denny’s again.  Maybe I should just “own” everything that I am feeling,  cry my eyes out, get it out of my system, and pray that tomorrow will be a better day!

Married men can suck it!

I have been crushing on Dave for the past month.  I see him from time to time at work, and at first, I didn’t really pay attention to him.  Dave is really quiet, tends to blend in to the scenery actually.  About a month ago, I ran into him at work.  I was talking to another friend of mine about a binder he had taken off my desk.  Jokingly I started to ask him, “Did you go into my box without…..” then I stopped because I realized what was about to come out of my mouth would be completely taken out of context.

My friend says, “What were you going to say?”  At this point Dave is smiling, sure of where this conversation is headed.

I say, “Nope!”

“Awwwwwww…..come on!” my friend says.

“Did you go into my box without asking?” I laugh.

Funny thing is, while I’m having this conversation, I’m holding another box filled with pink paper.  Dave asks me, “And what color is in your box?”

Now in full blush mode I say,  “It’s pink.  I’m all about pink today.”

As you can imagine, that was the icebreaker for Dave.  Every time I would see him, he would ask me something about my box.  We flirted like flirting had gone out of style.  By the end of the 3rd day of work, he had to leave.  He gave me a huge hug, we laughed and said our goodbyes.

This past Saturday I ran into Dave at a memorial service.  I had NO idea he would be there.  When our eyes connected, both of us burst into big smiles!  I walked over to him, and once again he gave me a long hug. Of course he asks me how my box is doing.  We both laugh as I say, “You know, there is more to me than just my box.  I DO have a brain ya know.”

We had a chit-chat going, all the small talk about our lives the past month.  As he was putting his hand on my shoulder, something stood out, something that I hadn’t noticed before.  I swear…I didn’t see it one month ago!

There it was, in all of it’s GOLD, circular glory.  The doggone wedding band.  How could I have missed it before?  That’s one of the first things on my checklist when I am interested in a guy.  Nice smile – check.  Nice bod – check.  Great sense of humor – check.  Wedding ring – wtf? That was MIA a month ago.  Either he forgot to wear it, or he just got married!  Either way, I was bummed.  Inside, my thoughts immediately shifted gears.  No more flirting, and now I can’t be interested in him anymore!

After I saw his ring, I turned the fire in my oven down a notch and told him I was going to find a seat before it got more crowded.  We hugged one more time. After the service, he came up to me and said how nice it was to see me.  I said, “Yeah, same here”, but in my heart I was saying “Peace out”.

In the crying, whining word of Nancy Kerrigan…”Whyyyyyyyyyy?”

The “M” word.

It’s a beautiful April day in Southern California.  It’s the kind of day that makes me excited to get out of bed.  I start off my day with a great attitude, an extra spring in my step, and a smile on my face.  I’m feeling refreshed.  But as the day goes on, my mind wonders off and I can’t help but dwell on what I did just a few nights before.  The air has left my sails, and now I’m just coasting til darkness falls.

After all this self declaration of “taking out the trash”, and working on myself to be the best person I can be……I rendezvoused with my “friend w/benefits” or as I now call him “MM”,  the other night.  I fell back into the dumpster.  I hadn’t seen him for a month.  We weren’t communicating with each other because we were trying to put some distance between us.  At first it was hard, but then it got easier for me.  When he called me, he said that it took every fiber in his being NOT to call me the last two weeks.  We spent the first minutes getting caught up on each others lives, then he asked me if I was seeing anyone.  I said “no”.   A simple “no” followed by silence.  He picked up on that.  Like normal, he turned that pause into laughter.  This man knows exactly what funny bone to tickle….as do I.  We completely “get” each other. This man knows things about me that not even my best girlfriends know.   He’s a true friend, a connection that I treasure, and who holds a special place in my heart.  I love him, but I know I can never be IN love with him.  I have made sure that feelings do not get in the way of our friendship/sex-making.  He’s everything I’d want in a partner, because we have the time of our lives when we are together.

You may be sitting there wondering why then, if this is the man I”m looking for in my life, would I not fall in love with him.  I CAN’T and WON’T fall in love with him because he is married.  I did the ONE thing I told myself that I would never ever do.  Before you judge me,  hold still, because I have sat in my own judgment ten-fold.  It’s been hard for me to even write about this, because that would expose my failures, immorality, and open the gates to judgment and condemnation.  I’ve walked through ALL those doors. It’s a part of my life that I’m both grateful for and ashamed of.  I have been approached by married men in the past, but have never given in.  I do have a strong will, but with MM, maybe it was because we were friends for 2 years before we hooked up.  I know that there are NO excuses.  The fact still remains….he’s married.

I’m hoping this is the last time I write about MM.  When I saw him the other night,  we agreed that we need to stop this.  I could see the pain in his eyes.  I know he has come to care for me, and he apologized for any hurt he may have caused.  I told him that I take full responsibility for my part.  I told him that we are BOTH being selfish in our desires, and it’s just time to stop.  I have never had feelings for him….I won’t let myself because it’s pointless.  Does that make it easier?  No.  MM is such an amazing guy, and I think because we are such good friends who’ve had sex, it’s going to be hard to not have that friendship.  We talk about everything…..work, his kid, hopes and dreams.  He truly can’t wait for me to find the love of my life.  He’s just as disappointed as I am when a relationship doesn’t work out for me. I know he really wants for me what I want. And what I want is to not have sex with him anymore.  I want to stop all the dumpster diving, and prepare myself for the beautiful banquet that awaits me.

Honesty can come at a price.  Only one of my girlfriends knows about this.  And you as well.   Time, patience, and forgiveness is all I ask now.

A mental state

Wow!  I didn’t think I’d be having such huge withdrawals from sex.  It’s officially happened.  I have dumped my “friend w/bennies” because I decided I wanted more than that.  I have declared to the Universe what I want in my life, and like I said in my earlier post, I have taken out the garbage.  And in that trash can was my sex life.

Now, I am a woman who LOVES sex…..anytime, anywhere!  So, this declaration might just take a toll on me.  I truly hope not, but I know this will be a test in patience and faith.  I think of my “friend” all the time, especially when I’m bored.  I guess the trick now is to replace that boredom with writing, exercise, work, or whatever else floats my boat.

**sigh**……….off to bed……..goodnight John Boy!