My heart hurts tonight…

I am feeling really ugly right now.

I hadn’t heard from John for about 2 weeks, so this morning I decided to text him.  I asked him how he was doing, it was a beautiful day out, and wondered if he was back in town and if he’d like to get together. Well, I heard from John about a half an hour ago.  This is what he said,

“Doing good.  It was a lovely day and I would be so down for all of that but believe it or not, I met someone and I think it deserves the honest shot.”

As I type this, tears are streaming down my face.  I don’t know if John really met someone, I’m just so sad that I had to be told in a text message, that he basically told me to leave him alone.  Here was a guy who was so completely into me, yet when he didn’t get what he wanted, he ran.

I am SO tired of being rejected.  Rejection in my marriage, rejection from the dating websites, rejection, rejection, rejection.  I have been alone for close to 15 years, and I’m sad.

I put my life in the hands of the Lord.  I pray that HE will lead me to HE has meant for me. I pray for patience, and to become the best person I can be.  To love myself, and fill my heart with love, because I can only give away what I have inside. But, why is it taking so long.  Why????  I don’t understand.

I believe that I am worthy of Love, and a divine relationship.  I know that I have a beautiful heart, I am caring, intelligent, and funny…yet the only thing men want from me is sex.  They don’t want to get to know me as a friend, a person, a woman.  And that part hurts.

I’m confused.  I am trying not to let this get to me.  I have not responded nor WILL I respond to John’s text.  I also know that I will never go into that Denny’s again.  Maybe I should just “own” everything that I am feeling,  cry my eyes out, get it out of my system, and pray that tomorrow will be a better day!

No harm, no foul.

Well, if you guessed that “John” hasn’t called…you would be RIGHT!  It really comes as no big shocker to me.  Why should he be any different?

Its been 11 days since we swapped text messages, and I have to admit….all of his behavior (see prior post) just makes this even more confusing! For someone who was “so into me”, and had all these amorous feelings, I have to take a page out of the book “He’s Just Not Into You”.

“If he doesn’t call or contact you….well, he’s just not that into you.”

Disappointed, but managing to put a smile on my face.

Tell me Livvy Ospry, what do I have to do to find my “Harry” ?

My sparkler is lit, now let’s have some fireworks!

Just a quick update: I’ve had a few text messages from John.  He says he is still on the east coast, attending a friend’s wedding, having some family time, and meeting up with old buddies.  Not sure when he will be back. I’m trying not to be all up in his “business”, and I definitely don’t want to be “needy” or “desperate”. Just letting things flow the way they are supposed to. He said he’d hit me up when he gets home.

He’s 27, I’m 49…age is just a number, right?

A few days ago my girlfriend and I met up at the local Denny’s for dinner.  We visited this place once before…back in October of 2011, and that’s when I met a waiter named “John”.  That first meeting  was quite innocent, flirtatious, and didn’t have much of an impact on me.  My friend V couldn’t understand how I didn’t notice how “into” me John was.  I just didn’t see it.  I mean, I just wasn’t interested in a kid who works at Denny’s.  I also thought he was just playing around…not very serious.

Eight months go by, and here we are, back at the same Denny’s.  As I entered the restaurant, the first person I see is John.  There he stood, smiling at me.  Being that I am a nice person, I smiled back.  We were seated at another server’s table, but that didn’t stop John from coming over, asking us (me) if we needed any more coffee, or ANYTHING else.  Our regular server almost had to give him an elbow to get out of his way!

At one point, John approached me and said, “You know, you are not going to leave this restaurant without giving me your phone number.  He handed me a piece of paper, I giggled, and wrote down my number.  V told him, “You better give her yours”.  He said, “I’m going to text her, she’ll have it in a minute.”  I leaned over to V and said, “What am I doing????”  She said, “You’re just being friendly… have fun.”

The next day, I’m busy at work, my phone buzzes with a text message.  It’s a photo of him, shirtless.  OH MY GOSH…ok….now I know what this is all about.  It’s what I was afraid of.  I’m assuming that all he’s thinking about is sex.  I was blushing at my desk. I was flattered that this charming, handsome, and sexy young thing was all up in my business.  I mean…he made it perfectly clear that he was totally into me.

I ran through the gamete of emotions.  WHY can’t a guy like me for WHO I am …not just someone to sleep with?  I WANT TO BE DATED.  I have so much to offer, and sex will come into play when the time is right.

I responded to his text that I thought we were going to have drinks.  He said that “we could do both”.  I texted him back saying, “Well, then call me sometime.”  A few hours later he called, and was sweet and charming on the phone.  He wanted to come over to “hang out.”  I asked him what his definition of that was.  John said that he wanted to relax, and get to know each other.  I told him that I wanted to go to a public place so that we can get to know each other there, since I didn’t know him well enough to have him in my home.

After haggling for about 20 minutes, I decided to let him come over…with the stipulation that there is no expectation of sex.  He agreed, and he said that I could “kick him out” whenever I wanted.  This was truly going to be a “get to know each other” hang.

John gets here, and he’s cute as ever.  We both are a little giggly, knowing that there’s a definite attraction.  We talked about various things for a while, and I have to admit that the question that kept popping in my head was, “why is a guy SO young interested in a older woman?” I never asked him that because I didn’t want to offend him.  Suddenly he said that he wanted to kiss me.  I let him.  And it was sweet and nice.  I haven’t been kissed in a long time…and I wanted those 27 year old lips against mine.

Inbetween the kisses, we would talk.  But it came to a screeching halt when he started to push it a little too far.  I knew he was hot and bothered, but I had to tell him it was time to go.  I told him that sex isn’t what I wanted at this point in our friendship.  We are just getting to know each other, and if I don’t have respect for myself, then he won’t either.  It took every piece of will power I had to tell him that (because deep down, I wanted to have sex with this HOT young man).  But, I’ve worked really hard to achieve that respect for myself, and I wasn’t going to blow it.

John told me that he was going back east in the next few days to be in his best friend’s wedding.  We stood in my doorway, saying goodbye when he gave me a sweet kiss goodnight.  He said he would be in touch.

I have found myself thinking about this guy, wondering why he was brought into my life.  I’m confused…I don’t know what to think of this.  I am definitely in a holding pattern, waiting to see how this will play out. As I write this, I have not heard from him.  I hope I do….because if anything…we can be friends.  It has to start there anyway.

 

My Cougar Crush

I can’t say I really like the term “Cougar”.  Is there a term for an older man dating a younger woman?  Should there even BE a term at all?  Shouldn’t all that matter is that 2 adults love and respect each other, regardless of age?

My dating world has been stuck in the “not happening” zone, although I did have a close call with a guy I met at work.  I was working on a show for a few weeks recently, and New York “NY” sat across from me.  Occasionally, out of the corner of my eye I would notice him staring at me.  NY is 28, and well….from New York.  One Sunday, while at work, we had a chance to get to know each other.  The office had only a few people in it, and we would talk about various things…..like our family.  He talked about his parents with such great affection, that it really touched my heart.  He father is a musician, and his mother is a psychic.  No wonder I liked him.  What a colorful family!

One day we were talking about tattoos, and he came over to my desk to show me his glorious art.  He has one that’s a bunch of small blackbirds, because it reminds him of his grandmother and her love for those birds.  He showed me the tattoo that both he and his father have.  I thought that was very cool that they share that between them.  I even mentioned that my younger daughter and me were considering getting matching tattoos when she turns 18.  I showed him the design that I want, which garnered his stamp of approval.

The next day, when he came to the office, he stopped by my desk first thing and gave me some lotion that is specific for tattoos.  This was “just because” we were talking about tattoos.  Later that day I had gone to the commissary for lunch and brought it back to my desk so I could continue working.  NY was two steps behind me.  I noticed that he had gotten my favorite diet soda.  I said to him, “Oh man!  I didn’t know they had that there.  Well, I’ll just get some tomorrow.”  I then proceeded to bury my nose back into my computer.  Five minutes later, NY walks up to me and says, “Here ya go!” and hands me a cold can of THAT soda. My heart melted.

Who DOES that?  And you are HOW old?  It’s obvious you aren’t from L.A.!  It’s also obvious that you were raised by wonderful parents, and raised to be a gentleman.  For the next two days, I couldn’t get NY off my mind.  I actually had a cougar crush on this guy.  I’ve been trying hard not to call him a “kid”, because let’s face it…he IS 28 years old.  I couldn’t help but wonder if he was “into” me.  I was vacillating back and forth in my mind if he could possibly be interested in some one a “little” older.

On the last day of work we started talking about music.  This guy knows ALMOST as much about music as I do.  I was impressed.  He knows who all the heavy hitters are.  He was asking some of the others sitting by him if they knew who “The Cars” or “Def Leppard” or some other groups were.  They didn’t know!  Then he decides that I MUST have some of the music that’s on his computer.  He begins to load up my jump drive with all these rare Led Zepplin tunes.  Be still my beating heart young sir! You are making my knees weak!

A little later in the day, I was sitting by myself, getting some work done.  He approached me and asked if I had plans for the weekend.  I said that I wasn’t sure, but I might be open.  “Why?”, I asked.

“A few of us are going to get together on Saturday for a little wrap party.  You should come.”, he says.

Later that night, as we are cleaning out our desks, and packing up our stuff, NY asked me again if I was going on Saturday.  I said, “I don’t know NY, why does it matter?’.  He says, “Because I really want you to go.”

“Well, if I don’t have any other plans, I’m sure I’ll be able to stop by.” I said.

About 10 minutes go by and as NY is walking out the door, he turns to me and says, “I’ll see you Saturday”, then with a smile, he waves at me.  My girlfriend leans over and says, “I totally picked up on that”.  Could it be?  I don’t know…I’ve read things into situations that never worked out, so I didn’t want to make that mistake again! I value our friendship!

Saturday night rolls around, and who’s the first person I see as I walk up to the restaurant?  With arms wide open, he yells my name, and gives me a big hug.  We are all sitting around, enjoying our drinks and chit-chat, when I ask him how his folks are.  He said they are great.  I ask if he’s spoken to his mother lately, and he said that he spoke to her that morning.  Then he mentions that he told his mother about me.

“You did?  What did she say?”, I said.

In a New York accent he imitates her…”I gotta meet this girl!”

What?  He told his mother about me.  Again, not trying to read something into this, I just played it off like we are just friends, and he’s telling his mother about a new friend he made.

We then proceed to go to another bar, and that’s when I saw him actually turn into the 28 year old that he is.  Not in a bad way mind you!  He was having a good time, taking shots, and drinking a lot.  I didn’t have any problem with that.  He was not obnoxious…just having fun.  He didn’t pay me any attention at this point either.  That’s when I felt he really wasn’t into me.  And that was ok.  My friend and I decide to leave, and NY gives me this big hug goodbye.  He said that we’ll keep in touch.  At this point, I’m just keeping an open mind, and if anything, above all else…I have a new friendship.  I believe a good friendship is the basis to many more good things.  Hopefully I will see and visit NY again soon.

Your mom’s house or mine?

After a short hiatus on the dating site, I decided to get back in the saddle in mid January.  I thought, “What the heck, it’s a new year, new life, new people…..RIGHT?”  I keep trying to convince myself that this year is MY year, it’s going to be different, and I’m going to find a man that’s truly amazing.

One thing I have forgotten to mention, and I think it may be of some importance, is this dating site is “free”.  You don’t need to pay to be a member.  I’m starting to think that this attracts a certain quality of people…men AND women.  I have been on the other 2 paying sites, with absolutely no luck!  I felt it was money thrown down the drain!  So, I shifted gears and decided to try this one on for size.

I came across “Mr. Mom’s” profile as a match for me.  He is cute, has 2, very young kids, and is 6 years younger than me.  His bio came across really intelligent with sparks of humor laced throughout.  I thought he was super cool, so I hit him up.  We spent a few days emailing back and forth, when I decided to give him my number.  I could tell there was an instant connection because we were spending every evening on the phone.

We’d talk anywhere from one to three hours! One thing we both talked about was wanting a relationship, and building a friendship.  Yeah, sex is nice, but we both want the whole package.  This has been so refreshing from the other guys who just want to “hit it and quit it”.

Mr. Mom owns his own business, and is a completely dedicated father.  His job allows him the flexibility to pick up his kids from school everyday.  He has them from 1 – 6pm, and keeps them every other weekend.  He puts them first, which I totally respect.  He’s told me that he keeps his contact with his ex to a minimum, even to the point that he will not change a weekend with the kids (for a birthday party, family function, etc) if it means dealing with her.

Mr. Mom has become a really good friend.  Very open, and easy to talk to.  He usually texts me in the morning, and we talk before going to bed.  The other night, I had a horrible migraine, and told him I couldn’t talk on the phone for long.  He told me that if we were together, he would take care of me.  Rubbing my temples, and doing whatever he could to make it go away. Awwwwwww!

Well, after hours spent on the phone, we decided to finally meet up in person.  He had to go to his storage unit  which was about 15 minutes away from me.  I head over in his direction, looking for a coffee shop, anything that would be a good meeting place.  All I could come up with was McDonald’s!  No biggie, it was just the fact that we were finally meeting face to face!

Now, Mr. Mom can talk and talk and TALK.  I’ve never met a man who talks so much!  He said that he doesn’t really like awkward silence too much, even though it wasn’t really awkward between us.  After these long talks, I also determined that he doesn’t have a lot of money.  Even to the point where he probably couldn’t take me to a movie.  Then he got on the topic of his ex.  He told me about the fight with her which made him not want to be with her anymore.  He talked about how the judge “screwed” him in child support payments. He told the judge how she was lying to his face, and the judges reaction was “I don’t care.  You are going to pay her everything she wants”. He said that because he has his kids every afternoon, he’s unable to do step up his business to where he wants it to be.  Bottom line…he’s chosen his kids over money.

Commendable, until he dropped the bomb.  I didn’t see it coming, because he never let it slip.  “I live with my mom”, he says.  Because he pays an “ungodly” amount of child support, he’s unable to provide a home for himself.  F**K…….really?  I know times are tough, but man o man!  My first thought was…..this man’s feet are going to be in my house, eating my food, sitting on my couch with his feet on my coffee table.

We spent about 3 hours in that McDonald’s.  After investing all my time,  and all the hours on the phone, he couldn’t tell me this little “detail” before?  There’s no way I will visit his home. I want a 50/50 partnership!  I didn’t have a problem with him having small children (mine are a lot older), but……living with his mommy is kind of a deal breaker!

Am I being completely unreasonable? He sent me a Valentine’s text yesterday, which I thanked him for, but I didn’t speak to him last night, which is the first time in a while.  I  have been thinking about this a lot.  Should we be only friends?  We could easily be friends with bennys, or should I completely walk away? Oy vey, ugh, fricken’ A, HELP!

 

 

Shaking my head.

I thought I passed this test.  Just when I decided to take a break from the grind of internet dating, men, and putting my heart out there, “C” came along and completely blindsided me.

It’s been  6 years since my divorce, and I feel in my heart that I am ready to have a loving relationship in my life.  I thought things were going well with C , but just like the others, everything came to a screeching halt.

About ten days ago, I had to go out of town again for work. The night before I was to leave,  I talked to C, and he asked me to come over to his place, where we could just hang out and watch tv.  After telling him that I still needed to finish packing, he told me how much he wanted to see me.  “OK’, I said.  I’m sitting there in front of his place, when he pulls up, tells me to hop in his car, as we drove around to park his car.  “Are you hungry?”, he says.  “Yeah, a little”, I say.  “Good.  Because I’m going to make you dinner.”, he says.

I help him unload his groceries, and he starts to cook.  I ask him if there’s anything I can do to help.  “Nope”, he says.  He sets the table, and we proceed to have the most delicious chili.  I was amazed at how this man took care of things.  We had a really nice time eating dinner, talking, and watching tv.  At one point C says, “What am I going to do while you are gone for a week?”  We both giggled and I said, “You’ll figure something out.”

While I was out of town, I didn’t hear a word from him.  I texted him 2 days ago telling him that I was home, and all I got back was a “Welcome home babe”.  I’m extremely confused with this 360 degree turnaround.  For a man who seemed to be so “into” me, chasing me with phone calls and text messages, and who MADE me dinner, I don’t understand why he’s so distant now.

I have been thinking about this a lot.  I wish, more than anything, to know what changed his mind. I have been praying for clarity, and I’ve asked the universe to PLEASE stop sending me these kind of men who play with my heart as if it’s some kind of “cat toy”.   I know it’s always better to find these things out sooner than later, before you get too invested in someone.  My heart still wants what it wants, yet I’m tired of picking up the pieces.

You my sugar momma?

Last night, and after I posted my last entry, C gave me a call.  We had a really nice conversation talking about the day’s events and whatnot.  One topic that came up, and it always tends to make me cringe, is relationships.  We talked about my previous marriage, what happened, and how I got to the place that I’m at today.  It seemed like the conversation was a little lopsided, and that made me a little nervous considering C has never been married.  Things like that may scare someone away.

We ended our conversation on a pleasant note, like usual, we laughed a lot.  After hanging up, about 10 minutes passed by, and he called me back.

“Do you want to get married?”, he says.  “WHAT?”, I laughingly respond.  “Ummm, NO, ummm, I don’t know.  Where did this come from?” I say.  “Do you want to be in love?”, C asks.  “Yes”, I say.  I asked him what made him ask me this.  He tells me, “I think you are really someone I could fall for.  I want a serious relationship, and if that isn’t what you want, then I don’t want to waste your time.”  My tone gets softer and I say to him, “I’m sorry I laughed.  I wasn’t laughing AT you, you just caught me off guard with that question.  I haven’t ruled out marriage.  If the right person were to come along, we fall in love, and decide to get married, then….yes.  It’s something I haven’t really thought about because I haven’t been with the right person in a long time.  Are you cool with that?”  C responds, “Yeah”.

I’ve only known C for about 3 weeks now, and although I appreciate his honesty, a little “pink” flag popped up for me.  Is it my imagination, or does he seem like he’s in a hurry for a relationship / marriage?  Am I overreacting to this?  Or is this a man who just knows what he wants, and is honest by putting it out there?

What I do know, is that at 41 years old,  C is still struggling in his career, lives in a studio apartment, and once said to me, in a joking manner “I’m just a poor man, looking for a sugar momma.”  OK…….another “pink” flag.  Let me remind you, this man LOVES to joke around.  Sometimes I think he’s channeling about 10 different comedians.  But as a drunk tends to say the things he wouldn’t say when he’s sober, I wondered if C really meant what he said about a “sugar momma”. So far, he hasn’t asked me for anything, and he’s been quite a gentleman.

As much as I would love for this to work out, and so far everything seems to be ok.  I am having a good time but my guard is still up, and with my eyes wide open.  I still have a gut feeling like I’m missing a piece to this puzzle.  I have prayed for clarity, and for my heart to be loving and strong.  As with any relationship, I firmly believe that more things will be revealed in due time.