My Cougar Crush

I can’t say I really like the term “Cougar”.  Is there a term for an older man dating a younger woman?  Should there even BE a term at all?  Shouldn’t all that matter is that 2 adults love and respect each other, regardless of age?

My dating world has been stuck in the “not happening” zone, although I did have a close call with a guy I met at work.  I was working on a show for a few weeks recently, and New York “NY” sat across from me.  Occasionally, out of the corner of my eye I would notice him staring at me.  NY is 28, and well….from New York.  One Sunday, while at work, we had a chance to get to know each other.  The office had only a few people in it, and we would talk about various things…..like our family.  He talked about his parents with such great affection, that it really touched my heart.  He father is a musician, and his mother is a psychic.  No wonder I liked him.  What a colorful family!

One day we were talking about tattoos, and he came over to my desk to show me his glorious art.  He has one that’s a bunch of small blackbirds, because it reminds him of his grandmother and her love for those birds.  He showed me the tattoo that both he and his father have.  I thought that was very cool that they share that between them.  I even mentioned that my younger daughter and me were considering getting matching tattoos when she turns 18.  I showed him the design that I want, which garnered his stamp of approval.

The next day, when he came to the office, he stopped by my desk first thing and gave me some lotion that is specific for tattoos.  This was “just because” we were talking about tattoos.  Later that day I had gone to the commissary for lunch and brought it back to my desk so I could continue working.  NY was two steps behind me.  I noticed that he had gotten my favorite diet soda.  I said to him, “Oh man!  I didn’t know they had that there.  Well, I’ll just get some tomorrow.”  I then proceeded to bury my nose back into my computer.  Five minutes later, NY walks up to me and says, “Here ya go!” and hands me a cold can of THAT soda. My heart melted.

Who DOES that?  And you are HOW old?  It’s obvious you aren’t from L.A.!  It’s also obvious that you were raised by wonderful parents, and raised to be a gentleman.  For the next two days, I couldn’t get NY off my mind.  I actually had a cougar crush on this guy.  I’ve been trying hard not to call him a “kid”, because let’s face it…he IS 28 years old.  I couldn’t help but wonder if he was “into” me.  I was vacillating back and forth in my mind if he could possibly be interested in some one a “little” older.

On the last day of work we started talking about music.  This guy knows ALMOST as much about music as I do.  I was impressed.  He knows who all the heavy hitters are.  He was asking some of the others sitting by him if they knew who “The Cars” or “Def Leppard” or some other groups were.  They didn’t know!  Then he decides that I MUST have some of the music that’s on his computer.  He begins to load up my jump drive with all these rare Led Zepplin tunes.  Be still my beating heart young sir! You are making my knees weak!

A little later in the day, I was sitting by myself, getting some work done.  He approached me and asked if I had plans for the weekend.  I said that I wasn’t sure, but I might be open.  “Why?”, I asked.

“A few of us are going to get together on Saturday for a little wrap party.  You should come.”, he says.

Later that night, as we are cleaning out our desks, and packing up our stuff, NY asked me again if I was going on Saturday.  I said, “I don’t know NY, why does it matter?’.  He says, “Because I really want you to go.”

“Well, if I don’t have any other plans, I’m sure I’ll be able to stop by.” I said.

About 10 minutes go by and as NY is walking out the door, he turns to me and says, “I’ll see you Saturday”, then with a smile, he waves at me.  My girlfriend leans over and says, “I totally picked up on that”.  Could it be?  I don’t know…I’ve read things into situations that never worked out, so I didn’t want to make that mistake again! I value our friendship!

Saturday night rolls around, and who’s the first person I see as I walk up to the restaurant?  With arms wide open, he yells my name, and gives me a big hug.  We are all sitting around, enjoying our drinks and chit-chat, when I ask him how his folks are.  He said they are great.  I ask if he’s spoken to his mother lately, and he said that he spoke to her that morning.  Then he mentions that he told his mother about me.

“You did?  What did she say?”, I said.

In a New York accent he imitates her…”I gotta meet this girl!”

What?  He told his mother about me.  Again, not trying to read something into this, I just played it off like we are just friends, and he’s telling his mother about a new friend he made.

We then proceed to go to another bar, and that’s when I saw him actually turn into the 28 year old that he is.  Not in a bad way mind you!  He was having a good time, taking shots, and drinking a lot.  I didn’t have any problem with that.  He was not obnoxious…just having fun.  He didn’t pay me any attention at this point either.  That’s when I felt he really wasn’t into me.  And that was ok.  My friend and I decide to leave, and NY gives me this big hug goodbye.  He said that we’ll keep in touch.  At this point, I’m just keeping an open mind, and if anything, above all else…I have a new friendship.  I believe a good friendship is the basis to many more good things.  Hopefully I will see and visit NY again soon.

Lost and found!

I know it’s been a while since my last post.  I have been readjusting the space in my life.  I’ve also been taking out the garbage, so that there isn’t anymore clutter.  It feels really good to purge all the crap that’s been going on. I know that I have no one to blame but myself.  I have taken responsibility, and have decided that I am worth all the riches in the world.  I am not going to eat the scraps from the table, I am going to eat filet mignon!  I will have a beautiful banquet before me.  I am letting go, and letting God and the Uni-verse take care of my love life……..well, my LIFE in general!

Right before I left my ex-husband, I felt this way about myself.  I had fallen in love with myself for the first time ever.  I felt so good about myself.  Somewhere along the way, I fell back into my old way of thinking.  It’s possible that with a few failed, short relationships, I started to feel that I wasn’t worthy of a wonderful man.  All the men that were coming at me were just wrong for me, but yet I still took it because I didn’t feel worthy deep down.

I’ve made some big mistakes.  BIG mistakes!! Yesterday something happened that opened my eyes to the kind of trash that has been cluttering my life.  I decided that I just wasn’t going to take it anymore.  Today is a new day, a new beginning, and I’ve decided that I’m going to truly be the best person I can be.

I am going to fall in love with my self again……for all the RIGHT reasons…..just for me!!

Stay put while I run for the hills.

When I look at a man’s profile on some of these dating sites, there seems to be a general theme.  They don’t want a woman who has “drama”.  “I’m an easy going guy, love my life, and I’m looking for a woman who doesn’t have any baggage or drama.” Oh, c’mon on!  Who are they kidding?  I think a lot of men have way more drama than women.

Case in point – Paul.  I was on a dating site, just checking things out, when I got an email from this guy that said “Let’s play” in the subject line.  His profile didn’t have a picture, but it  peaked my curiosity.  I responded to his email, and basically told him what I was looking for.  I’m not interested in a booty call, and I don’t want to waste his time if he’s not interested in getting to know me.  He said he was interested in finding a relationship.  I told him that before we went any further, I wanted to see a picture of him.  He said he didn’t like his photo, but it was the only one on his computer……yeah, right!

The next day, he sent another email that said, “When can we meet?  Here’s my number…call me.”  I emailed him back, and said that I’m pretty old fashioned, and  we should talk on the phone first before we meet in person. So, I gave him my number.  He lives about 5o miles away, and again, don’t want to waste time meeting if we aren’t a good match.

He called me on Wednesday afternoon, middle of the day.  I didn’t hear my phone ring, and his voice message  said, Hi…this is Paul C.  Was hoping to catch you, so give me a call back when you get a chance.”  In his emails, he told me his last name was “H”. Ok…..red flag number 1.

I call him back, and after our initial hellos, I ask him, “Ok Paul, I’m curious.  What is your last name?  Is it “C” or “H”?  He tells me that is real last name is “C”, and that he had to open a new email account because his ex-fiance was hacking into his email and harassing the women he knows.  Even though she’s now married, she still calls him up, bothers him, and harasses him about his life and the women he dates.  I laughingly said, “Wow, she needs a hobby!” He didn’t respond.  I then said, “Hey Paul.  I dropped a four letter word on you…..that was a j-o-k-e.”   Cue the fake laughter……Red flag number 2.

Paul continued to go on and on about his ex-fiance and all the things she did to him.  She would go through his cell phone and accuse him of sleeping with any woman that was in his contacts (be it relative or work associate).  I literally sat there saying, “Wow…….uh huh……..oh my gosh…….gee wiz……..no way……that’s CRAZY”.

Not once did Paul ask anything about me.  I felt like I was in a 20 minute therapy session!  I was exhausted listening to him rant and rave about a relationship that he ended 2 YEARS AGO! He then switched gears  to his job.  He is a fireman, and he’s so frustrated at what he sees people doing to themselves.  He went on to talk about a call he went on the previous week.  He says they get to a party, where this drunk guy was dared to see how far he could put a dildo up his butt.  Well, this “genius” gets the thing stuck.  Paul says, “I’m not really into seeing something like that. Why would someone do that to themselves?”  Is it me, or is this    not really appropriate first time conversation?  Red flag number 3.

Thank goodness this was just over the phone.  I knew within five minutes of this conversation that I wasn’t interested in Paul. When I heard him taking a breath, I blurted in, “I’m really sorry, but I need to get going.”  Paul says, “Ok.  If you feel like talking, give me a call later.”

As I was driving home, I was trying to give Paul the benefit of the doubt.  Maybe he was nervous.  Maybe I’m too picky.  I mean, he’s a FIREMAN for crying out loud!  But, I kept going back to an old saying, “When someone shows you who they are…….believe them.” Paul had too much drama!  I haven’t called him back.

A possible return.

I heard from “C” today.  I was online, he was online….so I sent him an IM.  Just wanted to wish him a happy new year.  I think I did it because I wanted to put a “period” at the end of this relationship.  I was expecting a negative response, but he genuinely was surprised and glad to hear from me.  He asked why I broke up with him.  I said that I didn’t.  I told him that since I didn’t hear from him since my trip to Vegas,  I figured he wasn’t interested anymore.   He said he was just thinking of me too.  I told him I was just thinking of the dinner he made me.  He showed me that he still has my number, and I told him to call me sometime.  It would be nice to see him, which he agreed.

Not holding my breath, but we’ll see………

Am I too strong for love?

I was recently told by a guy friend of mine that I’m “too strong”.  My reaction to that statement was, “What the hell does THAT mean?”  After shooting the breeze over coffee, we were talking about relationships when those two little words rolled off his tongue.  I was really surprised to actually hear this from a friend, let alone a man.

I asked him, “Isn’t that what guys want?  I always hear that a guy wants a girl to be independent, have interests of her own, not to be a nag, give him space, and not be needy and NO drama.”

He says, “Yeah, that’s true.  But I don’t know…you are just….too strong.”

I say, “Well, contrary to what you think, I am all “mush” inside.  I was raised to  be all of those things that I described, and I am who I am.  I’m not going to change.”

I have periodically thought about his statement.  What exactly did he mean?  A lot of what I read says that guys want all of those qualities in a woman, but what they also want is to be “needed”. They want to fix things, and to be a provider.  That have to feel some sort of purpose to the woman and in the relationship.

But wait, that’s where I’m confused again.  I have played the “damsel in distress” role (a minor role at that) and it has gotten me nowhere.  I actually have toned down my “strength” in order to play this alpha-dog game.  I don’t think it makes me weak as a woman, or comprises who I am, but I was trying to show a guy how much I appreciate him being a gentleman and putting forth the effort of caring.  When a guy asks if he can help me carry a package to my car, I have to consciously say , “Yes.  Thank you” instead of “Nah, I got it. Thank you though.”

I must admit that I have trouble in this dating game.  I guess I am just old fashioned in that I believe that if two people like each other, there shouldn’t be all this tap-dancing around.  I like you – you like me – let’s go out – and see what can be.  Am I the only one who thinks like this?  Is this the reason I’m still single?

Sock it to me 2011.

It feels like it’s been forever since I’ve posted here.  For a writer, it has.  Unfortunately, not much is happening in “date-land”.  I’ve been having to deal with issues from the ex-husband, along with family issues.  But I’m ready, I want 2011 to be MY year.  I want love, I want a relationship, and I want to live the life I’ve always dreamed.

It’s a new year, new possibilities, and hopefully a new love will come into my life this year.  I’m optimistic.  That’s the one thing that keeps me going.  As I sit here, I think of the commercials that pop up more frequently this time of year.  Weight Watchers, Match.com, and EHarmony.com.  Funny how these seem to go hand in hand.  Like I said, it’s a new year, and new possibilities.

Bring it 2011, and bring it good!

Really Santa! I’ve been a good girl……

Merry Christmas!  I hope your lights are lit,  and your balls are jingled! Here’s hoping that Santa will leave me something nice under my Christmas tree.

Let the wonder of Christmas fill not only today, but each and every day!

Shame on me.

I got this wild and crazy idea to Google “C’s” computer ID, and I was shocked to see what dating websites he’s on.  Much to my chagrin, he’s on the dating site that I was just on!  I guess it really shouldn’t surprise me.  I wound up getting really upset at myself because I let him in.  I opened up my heart a little bit to him, and he stepped on it.  I gave myself today, and today ONLY to feel like a complete fool.  Tomorrow is a new day, and a new way!

 

Moving on!

I have officially moved on from “C”.  In retrospect he didn’t deserve me.  What makes me upset more than anything, is that I would NEVER do to him, what he did…..IGNORED me.  I can usually understand when a relationship fizzles out, but the frustrating part for me is the “why”.  Why does a guy think it’s ok not to communicate and give an explanation for the end?  Just when you think things seem to be going ok in the relationship, he falls off the face of the earth.  I guess it’s just easier for him to be chicken, not pick up the phone, and hope that YOU will eventually disappear.  Even though I’m not a rocket scientist, I get it!!  This behavior tells me a lot about a man, and in truth…that’s not a quality I respect.  Big props to the universe for ending this one!!

On a happier note, I went out with my girlfriend this past Saturday night to enjoy some live music. The BEST remedy to getting over someone!  After walking into the restaurant, I made my way to the bar for a glass of wine.  It was packed and there was no where to sit.  Alas, I turn around and this man, who had an available seat, smiled and said, “You need to sit here.”  I said, “You sure?”  He said, “Yes, of course!”

My girlfriend didn’t get off work until 11pm, so I had about 20 minutes to kill until she got there.  This man introduced himself as Kevin.  I told him my name, whereupon he kissed my hand.  He asked me why I’m not here with my boyfriend.  I told him, “I’m meeting my girlfriend tonight.  It’s girl’s night out. He’s out with his buddies, so I’m hanging with my girl.”  Kevin says, “Yeah, but a beautiful woman like you shouldn’t be out alone.  With predators (yup, he said predator) like me around, you never know what can happen.  You tell him that I said he’s a knucklehead for leaving you alone!”   I giggled, all the while thinking how much I needed to hear words like this.  I told him, “I will definitely tell him.”

Kevin was a nice man, and harmless.  Not my type, but I enjoyed the small talk we had.  He told me a number of times how beautiful I am.  He asked me how long I’ve been dating this guy, and I said “About 3 months, it’s still pretty new.” He says, “Well, the next time I see you, and you’re single, you and me are going out.”  He said he need to go, kisses my hand again, and bids me goodnight.

Now, I know this all happened for a reason.  It was clear as a bell.   Although my only purpose was to spend some time with my girlfriend, I was so thankful for meeting Kevin, and the reaffirmation he gave me.  I needed to know that I am attractive to a man.  More props to the Universe for taking care of that!  I know that there’s somebody out there for me.  I can’t give up!!

First Date = Success!

My date with Ray went quite well.  It was such a warm October night and so nice to eat outside.  Ray was right on time. I truly tried not to be greedy and kept my order to a minimum.  He was very generous telling me to order whatever I wanted. I had a delicious sake sangria, and some sushi. He was enjoying the food, and just when I thought we were done eating he ordered more sushi.  I told him I couldn’t eat another bite! We had a lot of laughs at how “chopstick challenged” I am!  He said the main problem is that I’m a lefty, and the chopsticks are for right handers only!

We had great conversation.  He is a very interesting man.  I thought he was only 40, but it turns out he’s 43.  There is something in the website that doesn’t allow you to go back and fix the age.  But he was up front with everything.  He is divorced (for some reason I thought he had never been married), no kids.  He wound up paying for dinner,  which wasn’t even a problem.

We then walked around and did some window shopping while we talked some more.   Ray was a perfect gentleman.  He opened doors, and walked on the outside of me during our stroll.  I had never heard of this!  He said it was something he learned when he was in the service.  I liked it……it was very cool!  Then we stopped for a coffee at the Coffee Bean.  I payed for that.  I told him since he got dinner, the least I could do was pay for the coffee.  After chatting there, we walked back to the parking structure.  He gave me a kiss on the cheek, a hug, and said we need to do this again.

Our date lasted about 3 hours!  I’m not super-duper attracted to him, but I’d be willing to give it a few more dates (if that happens) because he has so many other things going for him.  He’s really fun, intelligent,  and seems to have his head on straight!  We texted yesterday morning, and we both said how much we had a good time.  I would definitely welcome spending more time with Ray.