A mental state

Wow!  I didn’t think I’d be having such huge withdrawals from sex.  It’s officially happened.  I have dumped my “friend w/bennies” because I decided I wanted more than that.  I have declared to the Universe what I want in my life, and like I said in my earlier post, I have taken out the garbage.  And in that trash can was my sex life.

Now, I am a woman who LOVES sex…..anytime, anywhere!  So, this declaration might just take a toll on me.  I truly hope not, but I know this will be a test in patience and faith.  I think of my “friend” all the time, especially when I’m bored.  I guess the trick now is to replace that boredom with writing, exercise, work, or whatever else floats my boat.

**sigh**……….off to bed……..goodnight John Boy!

Your mom’s house or mine?

After a short hiatus on the dating site, I decided to get back in the saddle in mid January.  I thought, “What the heck, it’s a new year, new life, new people…..RIGHT?”  I keep trying to convince myself that this year is MY year, it’s going to be different, and I’m going to find a man that’s truly amazing.

One thing I have forgotten to mention, and I think it may be of some importance, is this dating site is “free”.  You don’t need to pay to be a member.  I’m starting to think that this attracts a certain quality of people…men AND women.  I have been on the other 2 paying sites, with absolutely no luck!  I felt it was money thrown down the drain!  So, I shifted gears and decided to try this one on for size.

I came across “Mr. Mom’s” profile as a match for me.  He is cute, has 2, very young kids, and is 6 years younger than me.  His bio came across really intelligent with sparks of humor laced throughout.  I thought he was super cool, so I hit him up.  We spent a few days emailing back and forth, when I decided to give him my number.  I could tell there was an instant connection because we were spending every evening on the phone.

We’d talk anywhere from one to three hours! One thing we both talked about was wanting a relationship, and building a friendship.  Yeah, sex is nice, but we both want the whole package.  This has been so refreshing from the other guys who just want to “hit it and quit it”.

Mr. Mom owns his own business, and is a completely dedicated father.  His job allows him the flexibility to pick up his kids from school everyday.  He has them from 1 – 6pm, and keeps them every other weekend.  He puts them first, which I totally respect.  He’s told me that he keeps his contact with his ex to a minimum, even to the point that he will not change a weekend with the kids (for a birthday party, family function, etc) if it means dealing with her.

Mr. Mom has become a really good friend.  Very open, and easy to talk to.  He usually texts me in the morning, and we talk before going to bed.  The other night, I had a horrible migraine, and told him I couldn’t talk on the phone for long.  He told me that if we were together, he would take care of me.  Rubbing my temples, and doing whatever he could to make it go away. Awwwwwww!

Well, after hours spent on the phone, we decided to finally meet up in person.  He had to go to his storage unit  which was about 15 minutes away from me.  I head over in his direction, looking for a coffee shop, anything that would be a good meeting place.  All I could come up with was McDonald’s!  No biggie, it was just the fact that we were finally meeting face to face!

Now, Mr. Mom can talk and talk and TALK.  I’ve never met a man who talks so much!  He said that he doesn’t really like awkward silence too much, even though it wasn’t really awkward between us.  After these long talks, I also determined that he doesn’t have a lot of money.  Even to the point where he probably couldn’t take me to a movie.  Then he got on the topic of his ex.  He told me about the fight with her which made him not want to be with her anymore.  He talked about how the judge “screwed” him in child support payments. He told the judge how she was lying to his face, and the judges reaction was “I don’t care.  You are going to pay her everything she wants”. He said that because he has his kids every afternoon, he’s unable to do step up his business to where he wants it to be.  Bottom line…he’s chosen his kids over money.

Commendable, until he dropped the bomb.  I didn’t see it coming, because he never let it slip.  “I live with my mom”, he says.  Because he pays an “ungodly” amount of child support, he’s unable to provide a home for himself.  F**K…….really?  I know times are tough, but man o man!  My first thought was…..this man’s feet are going to be in my house, eating my food, sitting on my couch with his feet on my coffee table.

We spent about 3 hours in that McDonald’s.  After investing all my time,  and all the hours on the phone, he couldn’t tell me this little “detail” before?  There’s no way I will visit his home. I want a 50/50 partnership!  I didn’t have a problem with him having small children (mine are a lot older), but……living with his mommy is kind of a deal breaker!

Am I being completely unreasonable? He sent me a Valentine’s text yesterday, which I thanked him for, but I didn’t speak to him last night, which is the first time in a while.  I  have been thinking about this a lot.  Should we be only friends?  We could easily be friends with bennys, or should I completely walk away? Oy vey, ugh, fricken’ A, HELP!

 

 

Stay put while I run for the hills.

When I look at a man’s profile on some of these dating sites, there seems to be a general theme.  They don’t want a woman who has “drama”.  “I’m an easy going guy, love my life, and I’m looking for a woman who doesn’t have any baggage or drama.” Oh, c’mon on!  Who are they kidding?  I think a lot of men have way more drama than women.

Case in point – Paul.  I was on a dating site, just checking things out, when I got an email from this guy that said “Let’s play” in the subject line.  His profile didn’t have a picture, but it  peaked my curiosity.  I responded to his email, and basically told him what I was looking for.  I’m not interested in a booty call, and I don’t want to waste his time if he’s not interested in getting to know me.  He said he was interested in finding a relationship.  I told him that before we went any further, I wanted to see a picture of him.  He said he didn’t like his photo, but it was the only one on his computer……yeah, right!

The next day, he sent another email that said, “When can we meet?  Here’s my number…call me.”  I emailed him back, and said that I’m pretty old fashioned, and  we should talk on the phone first before we meet in person. So, I gave him my number.  He lives about 5o miles away, and again, don’t want to waste time meeting if we aren’t a good match.

He called me on Wednesday afternoon, middle of the day.  I didn’t hear my phone ring, and his voice message  said, Hi…this is Paul C.  Was hoping to catch you, so give me a call back when you get a chance.”  In his emails, he told me his last name was “H”. Ok…..red flag number 1.

I call him back, and after our initial hellos, I ask him, “Ok Paul, I’m curious.  What is your last name?  Is it “C” or “H”?  He tells me that is real last name is “C”, and that he had to open a new email account because his ex-fiance was hacking into his email and harassing the women he knows.  Even though she’s now married, she still calls him up, bothers him, and harasses him about his life and the women he dates.  I laughingly said, “Wow, she needs a hobby!” He didn’t respond.  I then said, “Hey Paul.  I dropped a four letter word on you…..that was a j-o-k-e.”   Cue the fake laughter……Red flag number 2.

Paul continued to go on and on about his ex-fiance and all the things she did to him.  She would go through his cell phone and accuse him of sleeping with any woman that was in his contacts (be it relative or work associate).  I literally sat there saying, “Wow…….uh huh……..oh my gosh…….gee wiz……..no way……that’s CRAZY”.

Not once did Paul ask anything about me.  I felt like I was in a 20 minute therapy session!  I was exhausted listening to him rant and rave about a relationship that he ended 2 YEARS AGO! He then switched gears  to his job.  He is a fireman, and he’s so frustrated at what he sees people doing to themselves.  He went on to talk about a call he went on the previous week.  He says they get to a party, where this drunk guy was dared to see how far he could put a dildo up his butt.  Well, this “genius” gets the thing stuck.  Paul says, “I’m not really into seeing something like that. Why would someone do that to themselves?”  Is it me, or is this    not really appropriate first time conversation?  Red flag number 3.

Thank goodness this was just over the phone.  I knew within five minutes of this conversation that I wasn’t interested in Paul. When I heard him taking a breath, I blurted in, “I’m really sorry, but I need to get going.”  Paul says, “Ok.  If you feel like talking, give me a call later.”

As I was driving home, I was trying to give Paul the benefit of the doubt.  Maybe he was nervous.  Maybe I’m too picky.  I mean, he’s a FIREMAN for crying out loud!  But, I kept going back to an old saying, “When someone shows you who they are…….believe them.” Paul had too much drama!  I haven’t called him back.

A possible return.

I heard from “C” today.  I was online, he was online….so I sent him an IM.  Just wanted to wish him a happy new year.  I think I did it because I wanted to put a “period” at the end of this relationship.  I was expecting a negative response, but he genuinely was surprised and glad to hear from me.  He asked why I broke up with him.  I said that I didn’t.  I told him that since I didn’t hear from him since my trip to Vegas,  I figured he wasn’t interested anymore.   He said he was just thinking of me too.  I told him I was just thinking of the dinner he made me.  He showed me that he still has my number, and I told him to call me sometime.  It would be nice to see him, which he agreed.

Not holding my breath, but we’ll see………

You my sugar momma?

Last night, and after I posted my last entry, C gave me a call.  We had a really nice conversation talking about the day’s events and whatnot.  One topic that came up, and it always tends to make me cringe, is relationships.  We talked about my previous marriage, what happened, and how I got to the place that I’m at today.  It seemed like the conversation was a little lopsided, and that made me a little nervous considering C has never been married.  Things like that may scare someone away.

We ended our conversation on a pleasant note, like usual, we laughed a lot.  After hanging up, about 10 minutes passed by, and he called me back.

“Do you want to get married?”, he says.  “WHAT?”, I laughingly respond.  “Ummm, NO, ummm, I don’t know.  Where did this come from?” I say.  “Do you want to be in love?”, C asks.  “Yes”, I say.  I asked him what made him ask me this.  He tells me, “I think you are really someone I could fall for.  I want a serious relationship, and if that isn’t what you want, then I don’t want to waste your time.”  My tone gets softer and I say to him, “I’m sorry I laughed.  I wasn’t laughing AT you, you just caught me off guard with that question.  I haven’t ruled out marriage.  If the right person were to come along, we fall in love, and decide to get married, then….yes.  It’s something I haven’t really thought about because I haven’t been with the right person in a long time.  Are you cool with that?”  C responds, “Yeah”.

I’ve only known C for about 3 weeks now, and although I appreciate his honesty, a little “pink” flag popped up for me.  Is it my imagination, or does he seem like he’s in a hurry for a relationship / marriage?  Am I overreacting to this?  Or is this a man who just knows what he wants, and is honest by putting it out there?

What I do know, is that at 41 years old,  C is still struggling in his career, lives in a studio apartment, and once said to me, in a joking manner “I’m just a poor man, looking for a sugar momma.”  OK…….another “pink” flag.  Let me remind you, this man LOVES to joke around.  Sometimes I think he’s channeling about 10 different comedians.  But as a drunk tends to say the things he wouldn’t say when he’s sober, I wondered if C really meant what he said about a “sugar momma”. So far, he hasn’t asked me for anything, and he’s been quite a gentleman.

As much as I would love for this to work out, and so far everything seems to be ok.  I am having a good time but my guard is still up, and with my eyes wide open.  I still have a gut feeling like I’m missing a piece to this puzzle.  I have prayed for clarity, and for my heart to be loving and strong.  As with any relationship, I firmly believe that more things will be revealed in due time.

OMG…..I think I’m a cougar!

So, I am currently out of town for work.  The kind of work I do can be very exciting, and I’m always meeting new people.  I had been in contact with this guy from New York for the last few days, and we were going to meet up at the airport since both of our flights landed at about the same time, we figured we should share a cab to the hotel.

We meet up at my baggage carousel, and this guy is as sweet as pie!  Now, let me just say, this guy (kid) is 27 years old, and he has these eyes of wonder because this is the first time he’s been west of the Mississippi.  He’s only been in this country for 2 years, and all this travel was exciting for him.  I have to admit, his charm, his youth and maturity, and the fact he grabbed my luggage by being a gentleman made me have a little crush. But, he’s 27!!

Since I was in charge of his daily schedule, I had to know what was going on, and where he would be throughout the day.  Everything was going great, so last night I invited him over to the event I was working on so he could meet my boss. Since he didn’t know where he was going, I left my post to meet him so he didn’t get lost.  As we are walking, he gets on his cell phone and tells his friend (in Spanish), that he’s with me.  I ask him, “What do you mean you are “with me”.  He says, “You know spanish?” I said, “Yeah, I know a little”.  He says, “Uh oh, then you probably don’t want to know what else I said. hahaha”

I take him to meet my boss and some other folks, and after shaking hands, he headed back to his room.  As I was walking out, I noticed a big black jacket on the chair where he was sitting. I rummaged in the pockets to see if there’s some ID, or something to identify the owner.  I just figured it was his.  I call him, and tell him that he forgot it, and he needs to come back and get it.  He says, “Oh man…..I was almost to my room too.”

As I’m carrying his jacket, I hear something kind of soft and squishy.  I put my hand in the inside pocket and pull out about 6 condoms.  Of course I break into laughter, because this kid is 27, and he’s looking for some fun.  At least he’s being safe!  I was NOT hating at all, and I actually thought it was cute.

I’m standing there with his coat when he comes up to me…..with a grin from ear to ear!  “Thank you SO much!” , he says.  I tell him, “You are welcome.  I hope you have a WONDERFUL night!” I wonder if he knew that I saw what was in his coat pocket.  Maybe he will get lucky.  With me……ummmmm who knows.  I have certainly entertained the idea.  Yes it would be a one night stand.  He’s in New York, I’m in LA.  But, I know I would have a good time.  I’m pretty sure we could rock each others world.

I’m on a 10.

I haven’t been on for a while, because I am taking a break from the dating website.  After I was told, to my face, that I wasn’t the “connection I’m looking for”, I decided that after 6 months of LOOKING for a man on the website, I needed a respite.

I need to regroup, refill, and rejoice in who I am.  I’m not going to focus my energy in this dating arena.  That’s not to say that I may be dateless….I’m just not going out on a limb for a non committal man from a shopping….err….dating website.  Who knows, maybe that special fella will drop out of thin air, right into my lap when I least expect it (as they say).

I wanna sex you up.

I’ve always had a strong sex drive.  I used to think there was something wrong with me because my libido was so active.  I think about sex a lot.  When I look at a man, I can imagine having sex with him.  Or not.  I don’t act on those thoughts, I just enjoy them.  It’s kind of like window shopping.  Going to the mall, walking around, looking at the merchandise.  You know you don’t have any money to spend, but you still enjoy it.

Let me get one thing straight….I am totally monogamous,  and I’m not an addict.  I just love having sex with my man.  I’m a “anytime, anywhere” kind of girl.  I do have to admit, it can get very frustrating at times.  The longer I go without, the more I want it.  Which brings me to my friend Scott.

Scott was a guy I met through the dating site.  I was attracted to him because he is a musician.  We have some mutual friends, and quite frankly, I was shocked when I saw his profile on the site.  I decided to say hello to him, and through our emails, we hit it off.  We met one afternoon for a movie.  There was a definite attraction between us. We had a wonderful time talking,  getting to know each other.  After the movie he walked me to my car, told me he had a great time, and said how he’d really like to see me again. “Yeah, that would be nice”, I said.

A week or so goes by, during which we are talking on the phone.  One morning, we were texting, and he said he was feeling a little frisky.  He then sent me a text saying what he wanted to do to me in bed.  Well, I went for it.  We sexted back and forth, until he finally said, “I’m coming over….NOW!”   He was at my place within the hour, and we completely ravished each other for the next two hours.  As much as I wanted to see if Scott was possible “relationship” material, I knew there was no going back.

He would go out on the road for a week, and I wouldn’t hear anything from him.   About a month after our romp, a few text messages, we decide that we are going to go to lunch.  I am heading out of town for work, and I’ll be gone for a while, so it would be nice to catch up with him.  The day comes and goes, and I don’t hear a thing (sounds like my other friend Dennis).  I decide to completely write him off.  D-O-N-E!

Another month goes by, without a word when out of the blue he sends me a video of himself…..masturbating!  I was at work, and I didn’t respond.  I just hit delete.  At the time, I wasn’t quite sure how to take that. Was it a good thing, or a bad thing?  A few more weeks goes by when he texts me “Hey there (he never said my name…I don’t think he remembered), you doing ok?  I sent you something a few weeks ago, didn’t get a reply.  Are you back home in LA?”  I answer, “Hey back.  Yes, I am home.”  I didn’t address the video, because now I know that this is ALL it’s going to be between us.  I don’t hear from Scott for another month.

Two weeks ago, I get text from him.  He says, “Hey there!  I am home for a week, I was wondering if you’d like to meet up one afternoon.”  I say, “Sure.  It’d be nice to see you.”  Scott says, “I’ll hit you up in the next few days.”

As those days go by, I am thinking to myself “Is this really the kind of relationship I really want?”  I knew that it wasn’t.  Mind you, he is a musician, and I kept thinking that he has women tucked away wherever his job may take him.  Do I want to be a part of that “group”.  As much as I love sex, am all for a booty call from time to time, I do respect myself more than that, and I WANT a man who cares about ME!

It was about 1am, and I sent him a text asking him, “What’s up?” He says, “Maybe we can get together this weekend.”  Wanting to make sure we were on the same page I say, “What did you have in mind?  Lunch?”  He says, “We could start with that.  And then I would _____(what he sexually wanted to do).”

I waited a couple of minutes, telling myself that what I say will probably end this, and are you ok with that.   I texted him back saying, “I really apologize if I gave you the impression that I am a booty call kind of girl. So, I am going to have to pass.” He said, “Oh, sorry.  We don’t have to do that. I won’t bring it up again.”   I said, “But, if you ever want to get together for coffee, drinks, etc. I welcome that!”  His last text said, “Sure thing.”

I doubt that I will ever hear from Scott again.  And that’s ok.  It’s just not the right thing for me.  I want more than that, and I’m willing to wait…albeit sexually frustrated….but I’ll wait, because in the long run, I am worth it!